Tuesday, October 14, 2008

In a fatal car crash eh? Diagnosis: Syphilis

I've determined that the doctors treating me just aren't even trying anymore. They have most likely just given up. I went in to the after hours clinic because I was experiencing a sharp pain in my shoulders and numbness that followed in my neck and arms. Diagnosis: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

I'm pretty sure it's because they just received a new shipment of splints and their stock was high. I texted Larry that the doctor thought it was carpal tunnel, his response? "In your neck?" This made me laugh for a good ten minutes as I could only imagine the confused look on his face.

We then on the way home began discussing how we could diagnose people.
Bleeding finger? Diagnosis: Athletes foot
Runny nose? Diagnosis: Stomach Ulcer
Hang nail? Diagnosis: Small Pox

Then of course there was the wise advice from the doctor:
Doctor Man: If you're feeling any discomfort just go ahead and take some Advil or Aleeve.
Me: Well...I can't because I'm on Coumadin.
Doctor Man: Oh....right....well too bad for you then huh?
Me: Yes I suppose

To sum up: Next week I will be diagnosed with extremely rare strain of malaria.

To sum up further: Doctors are slowly trying to kill me with Advil.


Maverick Larry said...

Well, I looked up your symptoms on WebMD which is where all these doctors apparently go to that are diagnosing you. I mean, seriously....they get the nurse to do all their work, come in for 2 minutes after you've been waiting for about an hour, ask you what's wrong, take their little pen light (that they got at some sort of doctor convention in Las Vegas where they go to trade stories with other doctors about how long they make the patients wait and pick up on nurses), shine it in your eyes, ask you to say "Ahhhhh", go back to their computer, and bring back the same diagnosis that WebMD gives. I think you'd get better medical advice if you just called up some actors from Scrubs. At least they'd be able to say "I'm not a doctor, but I play one on TV". I'm about ready to smack me some Wisconsin doctors. If this Hematology doctor diagnoses you with a bad case of Rickets, I'm coming up there and choking someone out. The end.

David'Z RantZ said...

"Oh....right....well too bad for you then huh?"

If this doctor ever decides to move his practice to Massachusetts, please give me a warning so I won't ever get him by accident, willya? Thanks.

Sarah said...

Yeah no doubt, even my gp thought it didn't sound like carpal tunnel at all.

whack job!