Friday, October 17, 2008

The history of Chuck Norris' awesomeness

This is Maverick Larry here. So, I've made quite a name for myself on the internet. Oh, what? You haven't heard? There's a very good reason for that. In many circles, I'm quite the subject of people describing how awesome I am. However, due to my extreme modesty, I've decided to tell these circles to attribute these awesome "facts of awesomeness" to none other than Chuck Norris to help me keep a pretty low profile. Go ahead and google "Chuck Norris facts" later and see what you get. Now, lately, some people have enjoyed the show "24" so much that they've actually attributed these facts to Jack Bauer. Either way, you know the history of these facts, so you should feel privileged. Here are some of the latest facts that have surfaced on the internet. Enjoy.

  • Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
  • Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.
  • Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
  • Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
  • Chuck Norris can speak Braille.
  • Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
  • Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.
  • Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.
  • If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
  • Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
  • Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain,the cobra died.
  • Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibilityof failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
  • Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.
  • Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
  • Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
  • Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.
  • Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
  • Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soulback. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday ofthe month.
  • When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
  • If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.
  • Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.
  • Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
  • If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Chuck Norris banging your sister.
  • Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.
  • Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
  • Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
  • Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
  • Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.
  • Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
  • Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
  • The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
  • Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never fucks up.
  • A rogue squirrel once challenged Chuck Norris to a nut hunt around the park. Before beginning, Chuck simply dropped his pants, instantly killing the squirrel and 3 small children. Chuck knows you can't find bigger, better nuts than that.
  • Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
  • Chuck Norris never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.
  • Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.
  • Chuck Norris keeps his ID on the bottom of his right foot. Nobody ever asks him for his ID.
  • Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
  • Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the fuck Chuck Norris is.


David'Z RantZ said...

Maverick Larry: You are indee-- I mean, Chuck Norris is indeed awesome.

The only disappointment was that, after reading the third item on the list, I became convinced that each item would subtly segue into the next. Here's why:

1. The first item involved pissing.
2. The second item -- hand sanitizers -- would naturally follow, because after pissing, one would automatically need a good hand sanitizer.
3. #2 used the "F" word. #3's humorous point is a result of Chuck Norris "doing" the "F' word.

However, #4 did not spring from #3, unless Chuck Norris f**ked everyone -- well, everyone female -- on the Virgin Islands in either 24 hours, or 12 minutes and 37 seconds. If that was the case, you should have mentioned it. Shame on you.

I suppose #5 could then be logically connected to #4, IF in #4, Chuck Norris indeed "f**ked them all blind," as the saying goes.

I could probably carry on with this even further, but I think I've already devoted way too much time to this subject.

Having said all that... Great post. All the killing and f**king sort of changed the tone -- just a tad -- from Sarah's usual sweetness and light, babies and cupcakes kinda stuff. Surprised she hasn't commented yet.

Sarah said...

LMAO Rantz you're a nut case!

from Sarah's usual sweetness and light, babies and cupcakes kinda stuff

HA! I'll have you know that he sent me this email and I told him to post it. neener.