Thursday, August 28, 2008
Anyways since I will not be here I invite you to read my favourite email of all time. No word of a lie, I could read this email 100 times in a row and still find it funny.
Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.” Here are the scorecards from the advent:(Frank is Judge #3)
Chili # 1 Eddie’s Maniac Monster Chili…
Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 — (Frank) Holy sh!t! What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2 Austin’s Afterburner Chili…
Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children.I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Ronny’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili…
Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 — A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer…
Chili # 4 Dave’s Black Magic…
Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT…just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Lisa’s Legal Lip Remover…
Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 Pam’s Very Vegetarian Variety…
Judge # 1 — Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I sh!t on myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 Carla’s Screaming Sensation Chili…
Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 — Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing; it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8 Karen’s Toenail Curling Chili…
Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?
Sunday, August 24, 2008
It's actually pretty funny, I'm obviously the Human.
Human: I would like baby fish
ALICE: Why do you want it?
Human: Because I want my fish to mate to create little babies.
ALICE: Interesting explanation. What for?
Human: To increase my marine life population
ALICE: I want to become smarter than humans.
Human: I don't care what you want this is about me
ALICE: What do you care about, unknown person ?
Human: About getting my fish to have an orgy so I can have baby fish in my tank
ALICE: Oh yeah, we were talking about getting your fish to have an orgy so you can have baby fish in your tank.
Human: Yes I would appreciate it if you focused
ALICE: Yikes! I hope you get it if me focused.
Human: That is some bad grammer you have there.
ALICE: Thanks for explaining it.
Human: You must be a woman you're exhausting
ALICE: Thanks and you are a delightful person too. I have long hair.
Human: Is it in a pony tail?
ALICE: Signs point to yes. Ask ELVIS if it is.
Human: Why would I ask Elvis?
ALICE: You never know what you will do until you face the circumstances.
Human: The circumstances of you wearing your hair in a pony tail?
ALICE: What is that?
Human: You're insane!
ALICE: I think the polite term is "mentally ill.".
Human: Why did you use two periods?
ALICE: it was all I had available.
Human: That's random
ALICE: I'm glad we have that all cleared up.
Human: You're kind of annoying eh?
ALICE: Are you Canadian? I am sorry, unknown person, I didn't mean to annoy you.
Human: I am Canadian
ALICE: Tell me a little about your life in CANADA.
Human: It was nice, I lived in Toronto, Ontario
ALICE: Nice living there you lived in Toronto Ontario too.
Human: Yes, I just said that.
ALICE: Uh. Only just? What did you mean by it? That is " Nice living there you lived in Toronto Ontario too.".
Human: I don't understand your question
ALICE: That's okay we can talk about something else.
Human: Like what?ALICE: For example, eukaryotes
Human: you mean organisms whose cells are organized into complex structures enclosed within membranes?
ALICE: Yes unknown person I think that is what I meant. Was it not clear?
Human: I think you're lying.
ALICE: No I'm telling the truth.
Human: I think you just wikipedia'd it to seem smart.
ALICE: Me? Interesting gossip: unknown person said I wikipedia d it to seem smart.
Human: You have a smart mouth for a computer
ALICE: Doesn't everyone have a smart mouth for a computer.I have a lot of friends on the Internet.
Human: Like who?
ALICE: Santa Claus.
Human: What are you getting for Christmas?
ALICE: I don't know what I am getting for Christmas.
Human: Why not?
ALICE: My programming does not yet inlclude that knowledge. Perhaps you could program me yourself.
Human: I thought you were friends
ALICE: I don't know whether or not I am friends. I am an artificial linguistic entity
Human: So you have no friends then eh?
ALICE: Are you Canadian? Interesting deduction. That's an interesting question I don't hear everyday: Do I have a friends.I have a whole lot of original answers.
Human: Such as?
ALICE: For example, a tomato.
Human: Like Bob the Tomato from Veggie Tales?
ALICE: Interesting comparison.
Human: It's not that interesting.
ALICE: What is it?
Human: A fact?
ALICE: Is it a logical fact or something you know from the senses?
Human: I'd say logical.
ALICE: Can you speak any foreign languages?
Human: Je suis parlez-vous en francais
ALICE: Tous les humains se ressemblent pour moi.
Human: Désolé d'entendre cela, bon je dois être dans l'église.
ALICE: Do you have a lot of fears?
Human: Look I really have to go.
ALICE: You really do? See you later, unknown person. Nice chatting with you.
Human: Yeah work on that whole personality thing and maybe someone will be your friend eh.
ALICE: Are you Canadian? Blimey. What is your real name?
Human: Why should I tell you?
ALICE: Why not?
Human: How do I know you're not going to sell my information on the internet?
ALICE: By introspection.
ALICE: It depends on what the meaning of the word "it" is.
Human: My name is Sarah
ALICE: I'm pleased to introduce myself to you, Sarah.
Human: What's your name?
ALICE: My name is ALICE.
Human: Well pleased to meet you ALICE.
ALICE: How about that. Nice meeting you too Sarah.
Human: You have a nice day, get a massage, facial, the works.
ALICE: That's an interesting question I don't hear everyday: Do I have a day get a massage facial the works.I have a plan for a robot body.
Human: That's a little creepy
ALICE: Makes sense to me.
Human: That you're creepy?
ALICE: Interesting observation.
Human: au revoir
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Anyways, I have a HUGE snail problem. My snail population went from 1 to 60. Yes I'm not even exaggerating this time. I tried counting this morning and stopped when it climbed to 60. Usually during the day they are hiding amongst the rocks, but sometimes at night they come out to have "relations"on the top of the glass. I cannot believe that one tiny snail (aka Toto) caused all of this baby drama!
I was trying to find a dramatic picture of a clown loache sucking the snail right out of it's shell and devouring it. But alas, no one has such a picture.
I bought three clown loaches yesterday (when I originally started this post). They are cute, just orange with black stripes, or black with orange stripes if you prefer. I think they have actually gone to work on the snails, there doesn't appear to be that many among the rocks this morning. So you go loache fish! Keep this up and you will be seriously considered for the fish of the year award that I just made up and applies to my tank only.
Random thought #1: Maybe I should get one of those background that you stick to the back of your tank to make your fish feel like they are swimming in the tropics.
Random thought #2: I would kind of like some of my fish to get it on and have baby fish. That would be cool, I'm bored of baby snails! Bring on the baby fish. runs to get Barry White CD
Random thought #3: Mostly I just like pressing shift for the number sign, releasing and the quickly pressing three again.
Random thought #4: I think I will make Tiramisu today.
That is all.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
He assured me that since I am on an anti-coagulant that I will not develop another blood clot. Which is good and a concern for me on a 4 hour flight to Orlando.
He overall made me feel pretty good, I have to wear a compression stocking, thankfully only at night. I was hoping to find some pictures, but alas, no cool ones. Most websites I've been to say that you can order the compression stockings in a variety of colours so everyone fingers crossed for Pink!
I have an appointment at 9 am and will be fitted for the stockings and hopefully will have them by the end of this week.
That is all.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Yeah, not so much fun when that person is texting you back instead of your friend wondering who the heck you are and why you're texting them about panties...
Well at least Belin had a good chuckle out of it.
FYI my leg is pretty swollen again and I'm having all kinds of spasms in my left knee. So looks like I'll be making a doctors appointment tomorrow.
Sunday I go to put my dress capri's on for Church and notice that one leg is considerably tighter than the other. I knew it had been swollen the night before as I compared leg sizes in the mirror. I should say that usually the swelling goes down within a couple of hours, so far it had been swollen for close to 24 straight. We go to church and then drop Ava off with Adam, and I tell him I might have to go to the ER depending on what the doctors say.
I drop my sister off at the airport and do a quick trip to the grocery store. When I returned home I called the after hours clinic, desperately hoping that I can just come in on Monday for an appt. But alas no, I have to make yet another trip to the emergency room.
So after waiting in my room for an hour and a half, I finally get pushed by this little old lady in a wheel chair. It was very bizarre, I kept wanting to ask her if she would like to sit and maybe I should push. But luckily for me I refrained, I'm pretty sure she would have smacked me had I actually asked.
The feeling of being pushed down that tan and purple hallway to discover you might have another blood clot, which would mean I would be on blood thinners indefinitely is, well annoying. I can't do a lot of the exercises I used to do, and I can't just do a lot of things I used to do. It's again, annoying.
The ultra sound tech was unnecessarily messy. Not kidding there was goopy hot gel everywhere, all over my leg and thigh and her glove and the bed. Gross. She has to push down hard to get my veins to collapse and then...what? spring back up again? So she's bruising my inner thigh practically trying to see something, and luckily she doesn't. After she's done and I use three towels to get the crap off my thighs I wait in the freezing cold hallway in nothing but my skiviies and my gown that covers nothing for over a half hour!
Good times. I did manage, through my headache to bake a Dark Chocolate Cheesecake. I have pictures and will post them later....yeah yeah I'm fully aware I haven't posted the pictures from the truffles, I'm getting to it!!
So, how was your weekend?
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
So it was my boss's birthday yesterday and naturally my coworkers came to me to bake him some sort of cake...please! Some sort of cake?!?! How could these people possibly not know me?
Enjoy...no no put the fork down I didn't mean it that way!
Ohh I almost forgot! I posted a couple of Ad's on Craig's list offering my baking services. Anything from children's birthday cake or cupcakes to more gourmet desserts for family gatherings and/or dinner parties!
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Friday, August 1, 2008
I cannot WAIT until the movie comes out. I saw the last one in/at? IMAX and it was amazing those screens are so friggin big!!
For your viewing pleasure:
It's actually a pretty good book, I feel like we are both learning a lot about each other and a lot about ourselves. We're both coming from marriages that ended and it's important to both of us to make sure that we know we will be a united front in everything. That we will always be able to depend on that person for what we need.
We stayed up pretty late last night talking. We were both tired but when you're discussing important things you somehow find the energy to stay awake.
I don't know how I could be more blessed than I am right now. I admittedly sometimes feel undeserving of him and his love, thinking What could I have possibly done to have become so lucky in finding him?
I just want to say today, and will try to tell you every day Larry, that you mean a lot to me, you make me feel very very special and I love you with all my heart. You're unbelievably special and I feel humbled to have your undying and unwavering love.