Thursday, July 30, 2009

Grasshopper VS. Sarah

So last night, I am getting ready to turn in, doing the usually things, making sure dishes are put away, transferring wet clothes to the dryer etc. Every few seconds I stop because I keep hearing this horribly annoying ticking noise. It sort of sounded like a nail clipper.
So I dress in my pyjamas and get into bed to read the bible with Larry. We start reading through 2 Kings chapter 18 and I keep pausing. Obviously curious finally Larry says:
Larry: "What's wrong?"
Me: "I keep hearing a sound, it's annoying me."
Larry: "What kind of sound? A sound on the phone or a sound in your apartment?"
Me: "A sound in my apartment, it's kind of like a ticking..."

I check around for a bug hitting the light, you know how bugs are. I don't see anything so I try to ignore it and go back to reading.

We eventually make it through chapter 18 and 19, and are asking each other about how busy we will be the following day before we're both too tired and eventually say good night.

I know what you're all we make kissy noises on the phone. The answer is: of course we do.

I'm exhausted at this point, but can't get back to sleep because of the incessant ticking sound. Finally perhaps 30 minutes later I throw the covers off to investigate. I turned my bedroom light on and look slightly outside my door to a window in the hall way and to my absolute horror I find a gigantic grasshopper near the ceiling. Not really scared, more annoyed I search for a flip flop to hit the grasshopper and finally be able to go to sleep. Alas I can only find girly non flip flop shoes. Not to be discouraged I take my girly shoe and on my tip toes start waving it at the grasshopper to persuade it to leave. It doesn't even flinch!

I call Larry...using my phone a friend option:
Larry (groggily): "Hello?"
Larry: "Huh...what?"
Sarah: "The noise! It was a grasshopper! Now it's near the ceiling and I can't reach it, how am I supposed to get it down?"
Larry: "I thought it was an emergency"
Sarah (impatiently): "This IS an emergency!!"
Larry: Sighs "Okay do you have a broom or something?"
Sarah: "No but I have a vacuum cleaner? OOHHH good thinking, I will just suck it up in the vacuum cleaner!!"

Still on the phone I run to the living room closet to grab the vacuum cleaner. After assembling the wand I look up at the grasshopper ready to suck it into the vacuum cleaner...
I could physically see the grasshopper tense, and I thought to myself ...he is totally going to jump off of the ceiling and make me freak out...
And without missing a beat as soon as I slowly start to lift the wand towards the grasshopper he jumps all over the place, I freak out emit a girly scream, drop the vacuum cleaner wand (which is still running) run into the bedroom and close the door. Let me remind you, I am still on the phone with Larry, who I am sure thinks I'm insane at this point.

Sarah (in a weak voice): "He jumped"
Larry: "No kidding..."

After I muster up the courage to open the door I see the grasshopper sitting on the wall close to the ground, I grab the vacuum wand and suck him up. Feeling victorious that the whole ordeal is over I shut the vacuum cleaner off and look down (I have a bag less, where all of the stuff you suck up sits in a see through container) and he's still alive. And now...he's angry. Frantic I don't know what to do so I turn the vacuum cleaner back on for about 30 seconds to let him spin around, thinking surely he must be dead NOW!? Nope, still alive...looks a little more angry.

I don't have time for this! I thought to myself. So I drag the vacuum cleaner back to the living room closet, close that door. Go back into my bedroom, close my bedroom door and put towels underneath the door. I say goodnight to Larry again and try to go back to sleep.

Except now instead of a ticking noise, I can hear a plunking noise. I will say I am not closed to the idea that I made the noise up myself. Nevertheless I can't sleep. I have an irrational fear of feeling the wrath of bugs I have wronged. My mind started racing to the possibilities of the grasshopper finding it's way out of the vacuum cleaner and crawling out of the long tube to call on his troop of grasshopper buddies convincing them to storm my house me? I was not thinking rationally.

I reluctantly go back into the living room and turn on the light, and get the vacuum cleaner out. The grasshopper is climbing its way up the plastic retainer, with one leg missing, and every so often he stops to give me, what I can only imagine is the grasshopper finger. Exasperated that he still isn't dead I plug the vacuum cleaner back in and run it for 2 full minutes. Stop, slowly, holding my breath I avidly look for movement. To my horror the grasshopper jumps up and bangs against the container, shaving ten years off of my life. Now I'm angry, he's angry the room is full of tension. I turn the vacuum back on with a vengeance willing the dirt and lint to fly faster. Still I can see through the tornado the grasshopper is still alive clinging to the sides.

I start to lose patience and control of the situation...even considering just throwing out the vacuum and buying a new one. I look over to the table and see my jar of pennies. Brilliant! I will suck up the pennies and one of them will surely hit him in the head and kill him. one penny flies in, miss. The next penny, miss. I take a hand full of pennies and they run through the vacuum cleaner raining down into the container, all of them miss.

Defeated, I don't know what to do any longer. Surely this is some sort of machine and no longer a bug! I start shaking the vacuum cleaner, and finally I see I am breaking his spirit. I slowly turn off the vacuum cleaner and open the container ever so slightly. Taking the pointy end of the wand in my right hand I start wildly stabbing into the container, the grasshopper is still trying to limp away! But eventually I am victorious, and the grasshopper moves no more.

Exhausted, sweating, tearing up a little (he did put up a good fight!) I slowly drag myself back into bed. Before I fall off to sleep I pray that I do not have nightmares involving bands of grasshoppers infiltrating my house, stealing my child as retribution for killing their king.


Cake said...

I'm such a softy...I'd have just caught him in a container and put him outside.

Now, if he was an earwig...

Jeanie said...

Wow, that sounds like the scifi movies they made whgen I was little.The stuff they showed on latenite tv when I was teen!The penny pelting bit was hilarious!I guess your not a member of PETA are you? :) If there's a next time, you could spray a little bit of RAID on the end of the wand while it was running.

Canadian Bake-Tress said...

ugh, or a centipede eh? Makes my skin crawl.

Ooooh I like your creative thinking Jeanie! RAID, that's gold right there.

It did seem like something out of a horror movie...

Sparkle Plenty said...

Oh, Sarah. This whole POST is hi-frickin'larious.

Two enthusiastic thumbs up!

Honestly, from trauma great humor is born and this is some kick-ass writing.

(You should thank the remains of the grasshopper in your acceptance speech.)

Canadian Bake-Tress said...

THANK YOU Sparkle m'dear! Coming from you missy I will take that as a tremendous compliment!

I had fun retelling the story!

P.S. Hope all is well, I've been missing you!!

Sparkle Plenty said...

I've been missin' myself! (And you, too!)

Best to Gustavo!