Church Bulletins

Those wonderful “Church Bulletins!”

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters ...

These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins:



1. The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.



2. The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'



3. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.



4. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.



5. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.



6. Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.



7. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.



8. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.



9. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.



10. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.



11. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.



12. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.



13. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.



14. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.



15. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.



16. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.



17. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.



18. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.



19. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.



20. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.



21. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.

Please use the back door.



22. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.



23. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

New Member of our Family...

Yes everyone, I'm proud to say that after approximately 14 years I have finally purchased a beautiful Kitchen Aid Stand Mixer in Onyx Black.

It's so pretty I almost cried. And I may or may not have kissed it when no one was looking. I'm just saying.

So of course in true do' Couto style I baked all day today. I made Strawberry cupcakes with a whipped cream frosting, Chocolate cupcakes with a buttercream frosting and Vanilla cupcakes with a somewhat accidental chocolate frosting that turned out to be the best frosting I've ever tasted, and I generally dislike frosting. I know it's an oxy moron of sorts.

So pretty!

I want to play hookey

It iss 80 degrees and sunny outside. Tomorrow it will not be 80 degrees and it will be rainy. Therefore, I should be allowed to play hookey. I'm pretty sure it's a law.

Apparently you do not need basic math skills to be a property manager...

This is the email I sent to my old landlord this evening. When I originally signed my lease I received 1 month free. Which I then prorated over 12 months. The number of times I have had to call to remind him of this after receiving letters stating my account was over due was more than once. Should I only have to say it once? I've said it now 3 times.

And here Ladies and Gents is number 4:
Brian,

Please let me see if I can finally put this to rest. I am completely astounded by the check you sent me -45 dollars.

The lease is $650/Month for 12 months = 7800.
$7800 - $650 (1 month free) = $7150
$7150/12 Months = $595.84/Month
My rental check for 11 months was $595 x 11 = $6545 - $7150 = $605

Which is the exact amount my last check, for the month of March was made out to.

Please send the $45 dollars still owed on your balance ASAP.

I almost said "Or I will file in small claims court, Don't think I wont I hate you that much"

But that wouldn't be a very Christian thing for me to do would it?

Proud Momma!

So I am proud to say that Ava went to the bathroom on the potty for the first time tonight. She's shown slight interest in the potty as we've been working on it for maybe the past 8 months or so. I've just been encouraging her to get used to it and to understand that this is where we go to the bathroom.

Tonight she sort of sat on it for a little bit, and then got up, then sat back down for longer. When she stood back up again she had gone to the bathroom!! I was so proud of her I scooped her up for many hugs and kisses.

Then proceeded to call everyone I knew :)

Way to go Ava!

Monkey's

Conversations with Ava

Driving to daycare/work this morning the following conversation transpired.

Ava: OH NO LOOK MAMA! A DINOSAUR!
Me: Where?
Ava: THERE E IS!
Me: Okay let's drive SUPER FAST!
Ava: SUPERFAST!
-Repeat conversation three more times-

Me: Oh No! Look Ava, a Dinosaur!
Ava: ... No, No Dinosaur Mama
Me: Oh sorry...
::Pause::
Ava: OH NO MAMA LOOK A DINOSAUR!
Me: HEY!

To Sum up: Only Ava is allowed to point out the Dinosaurs!

This is why I hate shopping

Last night at staples it was pretty dead and I brought my purchase up to the counter where I saw batteries which made me remember that I needed lithium batteries for my digital camera...this conversation followed:

Me: ::Pointing to small battery display:: "Oh do you have an actual battery display that has all different batteries?"
Woman behind register: "Oh yes if you can see just behind the camera display there's..."
Man fiddling with something nearby: ::Interrupts:: "Or we have batteries right here at the register Miss"
Me: ::Straight faced:: "If those were the batteries I was looking for I wouldn't be asking the question."
Woman behind register: ::stifling laughter:: "They're behind the camera display to your left."

To sum up: I have no patience for people with no brains!

I like to confuse my friends...it's my favourite pastime

me: I have a couple of random unrelated questions for you.

Jason: oh?

me: How do you feel about Mushrooms?

Jason: 1up

me: And what are your thoughts on grass?

Jason: grr

me: Are you for or against grass?

Jason: :(

me: that's not really an answer sir I'm going to have to ask you to stay focused.

Jason: la la la

me: sigh
If you were tiny-er would you have any objections to living under a toadstool or mushroom?

Jason: -er, eh?
what is a toadstool?

me: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mushroom

Jason: i am already familiar with mushrooms

me: Yes as it clearly states: The term "toadstool" was often, but not exclusively, applied to poisonous mushrooms or to those that have the classic umbrella-like cap-and-stem form...tsk tsk subject cannot read...better jot that down.

Jason: oh... the fun kind

me: So back to my original question...would you have any objections to living under a toadstool or mushroom?

Jason: ... if i were tiny... as in smurf-size?

me: yes
Would you have any objections?

Jason: are we in a hypothetical pretend world with cartoon cats?... or are we still in the real world?

me: real world
Wow you are taking a LONG time to answer a simple question

Jason: how big is a smurf?

me: sigh
How do you feel about squatters?

Jason: is a squatter the same thing as a loafer?

me: What's a loafer?

Jason: what's a squatter?

me: This interview is over

Jason: What?

When gnomes are involved hilarity always ensues!

So for whatever reason we call my Mom the Gnome. She's short (under five feet) and wore these pointy "desert boots" forever. She pretends she doesn't like being called the gnome but we all know she loves it.

Anyways, my Mom and Sister sent me a ridiculous check for my birthday and here was my thank you email:

Thank you both so much for the lovely cards and the money. I have no idea why you sent so much!! I appreciate it though and Thanks.


I will have to buy something shiny and pink…but wait, I don’t want to attract too many gnomes with something shiny…hmm re-think…I will have to buy something cute with polka dots…no no that won’t due they’ll just follow me around thinking it’s their mushroom…


I’ve got it! Some beautiful plants for our new house!! No…then Larry Ava and I will just have to deal with squatters…Hmm this is more complicated than I thought…I’ll have to give it a little more in-depth thought. I’ll let you know what I come up with!

It is in my opinion that whenever you can work the word squatters into a conversation there's always laughter! I'm pretty sure my random bursts of laughter and hushed giggling while composing the above email confirmed to my coworkers that I am indeed crazy.

Birthdays and cake!

It was my birthday yesterday...So I made a cake for work...how did I get roped into making my own birthday cake for other people to eat?

I have no idea...
Enjoy!